Archive for August, 2017

14th August
2017
written by admin

If I could turn back time

If I could turn back time.

I would have played by myself.

I would have gone far enough away so I couldn’t hear your voices.

I would have learned to run faster.

If I could turn back time.

I wouldn’t have gone to your house.

I wouldn’t have let you touch me.

I wouldn’t have let you rape me.

I would have told my mom.

If I could turn back time.

I wouldn’t have eaten my lunch in the cafeteria.

I wouldn’t have believed you when you said you were my friend.

I wouldn’t have tolerated your bullying.

If I could turn back time.

I wouldn’t have left you that morning.

I would have talked to you more.

I would have learned CPR.

If I could turn back time.

I wouldn’t have let you hit me.

I wouldn’t have let you abuse me.

I walked away from you.

I can’t turn back time so….

I’m going to heal.

I’m going to speak loudly for justice.

I’m going to stand up to oppression.

I’m going to love myself.

Irkar W Beljaars

14th August
2017
written by admin

Addiction

I feel you everyday. I feel you when I wake up, I feel you when I go to sleep and I feel you crawling around in my dreams. You have been there for as long as I can remember, reminding me, mocking me, teasing me, hurting me. Not a day goes by where you aren’t violating my thoughts like a sex offender violating a child. I want to run away but you run faster than me. I feel you in my bones, corrupting the marrow, like a cancer, you poison me. From the tips of my toes, you move through my body corrupting every smile, every laugh, every tear. I hate you! I hate what you have done to me, how you crippled my body and made me fearful of happiness. I hate that you remind me of how I failed myself, my friends, my family. But….I need you. Because without you I don’t know who I am, who I am supposed to be? So I wrap myself in your darkness, I remind myself that there isn’t anything for me without you. With you at least I am not alone. You’re my safe space. Soon your corruption will reach my heart and no matter how hard I try my heart will die and my connection to the world will cease. I will become one of the lost, a ghost in my own life. People will try to reach me but I will be gone, lost in the madness of hate unable to let go, unwilling to let go. For there is no greater fear than letting love back in.

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